Many of you have been following along on my journey, and as you have seen, I am a pretty positive person. I try to see the good and the light in all situations, even when they are difficult. But to be completely honest, I have been struggling lately.
I have felt like for every good thing that happens to me; I have been faced with three or four bad things that pull me right back down to the ground. It feels like I’m in a fight, and every time I stand up, I get a right hook to the jaw and a kick in the gut. My heart hurts.
Today pushed me over the edge
The good: Today, I got the amazing news that a donor is not only going to fund a trip for me to go to Kenya and visit Missions of Hope International, but they are also going to help support my friend Esthers’ trip as well. Esther has a beautiful servant's heart and has been supporting and raising money for orphans in her home country of Mali for years. So, this opportunity to travel to Kenya and see the work that MOHI is doing for thousands of children means the world to her.
The bad: I was on a high. I was so excited for the day. Then, at work, some technology wasn’t working right, which slowed down my work and frustrated me. Then, I realized I made a few mistakes on a project I was working on. Then I got a call from insurance saying that a minor wreck I got in the other day was, in fact, my fault despite the fact the car behind me was fully in my blind spot and illegally parked. Then it took me an hour to get home because of traffic when it usually takes 30min. And there were a few other small things in between those moments that added to the frustration.
I broke down. I didn’t just break down because of what happened today, but because of an accumulation of things that have built up over time. Ever since the moment at the Olympics, I feel like I just can’t seem to get back on my feet. No matter how hard I try it seems like I am out of rhythm with the world. I can’t focus the way I used to. I’m exhausted all the time. I am trying so hard to keep my chin up, but it is hard.
You’re not alone
I am sharing this with you all not because I want pity but because I want you to see that despite what social media shows, life is not all sunshine and rainbows. I want you to know that you are not alone in your struggles. We all have hard days. We all feel helpless and hopeless. I want to give up. I want to hide. I want to run away from my problems, but I can’t. I have to face them and keep getting back up. And keep going to the gym. And keep going to work. And keep trusting that God will give me the strength to carry on and walk faithfully. I don’t understand these difficulties right now, but I will keep looking for the light in the midst of the darkness.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
In my experience, hardship is usually not a test or a punishment but is more often than not God forging us into who He wants us to be. Like steel needs to be melted down to be made into something useful it’s the same with us.
When God is doing lots of work in us we can only rely on Him but He is faithful to give us strength to survive the process.
Thank you very much for sharing this. I feel you. I identified so much with you in these moments. May the Lord sustain us through the storm.